Are you there God? It's me, Opeyemi.

Hello reader, it’s me Opeyemi.

Three years ago, I was deployed on an aircraft carrier. From January to July 2020, I lived, worked, ate, and maintained on a large warship. We didn’t know COVID-19 would greet us, nor did we know that we would break the record for longest deployment at sea, without stopping. I have yet to find the words to describe that time period, still more difficult it is to quantify the effect it’s had on me. 

If I’m being honest, deployment was very challenging. It wasn’t all bad, and I’m so grateful for the opportunities it afforded me; for the friendships that kept me afloat. We had hoped to have many port visits. That’s when for 4-5 days after working long hours and weekends, the ship pulls into a pier and the crew is allowed to visit. We had visits planned to Norway, Dubai, Italy and France to name a few. In efforts to keep us protected, after news of the novel corona virus became apparent, those port visits were cancelled. Instead of Italy, I got to see the leaning towers on the flight deck. Rather than return to visit Dubai and reacquaint myself with the opulence of this magical city, I saw the Rock of Gibraltar and watched as we passed through the Suez Canal.

I got intimately aware of loneliness. Not a new companion, but an associate I had entertained at various points in my life. It’s not easy to phone a warship floating off the coast of Iran, but I was able to chat with a few friends and family. I thought often of the many that I did not hear from, who did not hear from me and allowed my self-awareness to give way to self-critique. Yes, my circumstances were unusual, but I was protected from the unknown disease that was claiming lives around the globe. On my floating giant warship, I was isolated from the latest pandemic that would bring our world to a halt. I allowed myself to feel it all, the loneliness, uncertainty and desire to get the hell off the boat. But soon settled to choose joy, to muster up gratefulness. If endurance is a choice, So too, is Joy.

While deployed, I was able to save money and clear most of the debt I had accrued.

When I could, I was able to work out, if there was a free spin bike in the gym; sometimes I even made time to see the sun.

When time arose, I was able to mentor my junior enlisted sailors, who for many, I was one of the only young, Black officers they had met.

When I allowed myself, I was able to reflect on what I wanted, in the present and the glorious future of being released from the boat.

In July of 2020, I applied for and was selected to become the U.S. Navy Dental Corps first Black Admin Fellow. I was flown off of the carrier and spent one night in quarantine in Bahrain, and traveled to my final destination of DCA.

Returning to U.S. soil was glorious. I took hot showers, ate fresh vegetables (a rarity on the ship), bought a peloton (the bikes on the gym were often hard to come by) and treated myself to many of the things. 

At present day, I am 3 years removed from that experience and one year into residency. Which means I am one year away from graduating as a Comprehensive Dentist with another Masters that I may or may not use.

The most exciting part of this, is not the deployment, or keeping sane, or making history in my field. 

As my therapist would tell it, it is granting myself permission to speak aloud the things I desire. To write them down and give them voice.

During deployment, I worked 6 days a week, seeing patients from 7AM to 7PM. During the 30 minutes I could use the spin bike, I listened to my finance podcasts, sermons from my pastor at Union Church, and the remaining songs I had downloaded since we were outside of the limits of wi-fi. Ariana Grande’s voice belting out “Dangerous Woman” was a go to. 

I am reminded now, that I am a dangerous woman.

I am a survivor of my own worst fears. I found mustard seed faith that propelled me to jump into a 12 foot deep pool knowing I was terrified of deep water and had not quite mastered the not-drowning part of my swim lessons.

I am the girl that had the opportunity to be poor in Lagos, and was upgraded to being poor in Woodlawn, Maryland.

Who learned to forgive her father for leaving, herself for forgetting.

I do not aim to paint a picture of grave misfortunes, I am really a blessed girl. My favorite thing to splurge on is every damn thing, because I deserve. (Friend, I am working on this, I promise.)

Life is short. Deployments are long. But the future is ours to decide.

I urge you, reader to be dangerous. I’ve written often of how the fear of failure has arrested me. Of how I was so afraid of failing that I failed and did so spectacularly. Well, I stand before you, a woman who has failed and succeded. Who has lost and won many times over. Who is flawed and fights to forgive. Who spends too much and gives to others too freely. Who is oil and water and emotion, I wear not only my heart but my mind, my muscle on my sleeve. 

My therapist asked me to write down what it is that I want and like the Type A overachieving Nigerian immigrant that I am, I aim to fulfill that homework assignment with aplomb.

Are you there God? It’s me, Opeyemi and I want everything.